Poor Schmuck who dropped his daughter while catching a ball

I think we all remember this poor schmuck who got the death glare seen around the world when he dropped his daughter while catching a ball. I don’t think it ended well for him that night. Navigating marriage is tricky, especially when you don’t have viable models (both our parents are divorced). So I turn to self-help books and forwards.

These gems are courtesy of my Uncle Joe who sends the fam about a dozen forwards a day. This one actually made me laugh. Uncle Joe and my auntie have been happily married for almost 30 years, are part of their church’s couples ministry and are a beacon of hope and light for me and my better half. This list seems like the blueprint to a happy marriage that I’ll make sure he commits to memory.

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up

(2) Five minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don’t Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That’s Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That’s okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you’re welcome. (This is true, unless she says ‘Thanks a lot’ – which is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say ‘you’re welcome’ — that will bring on a ‘whatever’.)

(8) Whatever: Is a woman’s way of saying….YOU go to %#$&*^>#!

(9) Don’t Worry About It, I’ve Got It: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking, ‘What’s wrong?’ For the woman’s response, refer to # 3.